topi berfikir aku

are you familiar with erik erikson’s stage of development? oh well, there’s always google. go read. anyway, a few days ago, i forgot what triggered it, i was suddenly reminiscing the phase where i think, i experienced an ego development of identity and role confusion which according to erikson, happens during adolescence (12 to 18 years old). wait no. i was younger when it happened. so, it’s either my ego developed at a faster rate than an average human or erikson’s well-known research is at false. yep, the latter one.

.

from what i understand, up to this stage, development depends upon what is done to us. then it depends on what we do about it. i can’t recall anything that made me confused back then, meaning what is done by parents/guardian/teacher upon me. heck i don’t even remember being confuse. but now, it does make me curious on how the confusion (as dictated by erikson) arose at the first place. of course, it is initiated by our desire to search for identity and if one fails to find his/her place in a basic family or wider society, role confusion will happen. thank God, something i did years ago to counter that confusion, don’t ask me what it is because i don’t know which, make me a normal female i am today. as normal as any female that is. aren’t you glad i am, honey?

.

now, the truth. i had a huge crush on one malaysian female artist (malaysian? please la kan. haih). up to a point where i brought her photos to bed. they are in her song album, you know the one with lyrics and a few portraits in many poses. i particularly like the one where she wore what you called a dress with a low cut neckline. it wasn’t a v-neckline. i think it was a big curvy u. and no, i didn’t bring her photo to bed and pleasure myself! duh. i shared a bunk bed with my brother. doing such would surely alerted him and my parents. i was only admiring her beauty in a way different than a child admiring barbie’s beauty. oh i don’t know how to explain it. if i had failed to recognize that an identity of a female, as generally accepted in society, shouldn’t has that kind of feeling towards another female, would i have become a different person today?

.

i still admire women’s beauty though. teylians have a bunch. but after six years, i got bored. haha. and i sometimes stare. although i abhors when it is done to me, apa kau tak pernah tengok orang pakai blouse ini dengan gold pumps? i can’t help checking them up head to toe and back. but if i stare, i do try to do it very subtly! hehe. anyhow, this is a wholly different thing. nothing to do with erikson’s stages. ini cuma macam perempuan cemburu pandainya minah ni bergaya kenapa aku frumpy? atau yang positif sikit macam lawanya dia kalaulah aku pun pandai bergaya. ha.

.

have you ever go through similar phase while growing up? the searching and the confusion.

.

p/s: there’s nothing interesting about that artist anymore. don’t know what i was thinking! and then there was jessica rabbit “i’m not bad, i’m just drawn that way”. aaaaouuuu! ;p