topi berfikir aku

i have a few home. thanks to dad. though we didn’t shop in singapore, have ice blended latte (or whatever they call it) in paris’s walkway café, have a port in damansara height, nor a mansion in hamsphire, i’m happy (giddy to the bone sometimes) just to set foot (wheels) on these very “malaysian” states which is occasionally (alternately), when we had to go back to these (haunting) places to settle his business or for family matters. home is where you feel comfortable, even though when my big-for-asian-females feet didnt touch the ground (green yellowish grass) for the half an hour to two hours (hopefully) visits, that happens many a month thus the non-existing (unusable) wardrobe closet.

why haunting you say? it’s amazing (dr. hyde-mysterious even) how old familiar places could make you gawked and awed again and again after every visit. ever feel that overwhelming rush of unexplained emotion (maybe sheer joy or just constipation) inside you whenever you see the white striped red (or is it red with white bands?) vent of some factory (teylians would understand), or the big pink (yes, it’s pink, no matter what you say) trademark of a shopping mall that you can see the minute you were out of highway-jelapang exit into the federal route (perakians would know).

memories.

so, the sole purpose of this entry is just to tell you that…..i’ve been in penang during semester break! hahahaha…sick!

i guess now, in some measure, i understand why people run amok. why teenagers maliciously shot their schoolmates dead. why wives mercilessly chopped off husbands. why daughters or sons disbelievingly murder their sleeping family members. why people flash the vulgar middle finger or simply say, “fuck off (..someone’s name here..)!” when they are pissed.

and then i picture the consequences. the suffering. the mourning. the hatred. the awkwardness. the sins. the regret.

what did people do when they can’t express anger verbally, especially to a group of people where verbal (even a polite one, say you intend to advice them on their *^%$!* behaviour) would mean total dishonor? well, you can opt to; punctuate your face’s nerves to forever froze in wrinkles while giving off the sourest face ever, or stomp your feet heavily while climbing the stairs, or pretend not to listen when that *@$”!^* someone is calling for help or…you could write.

because while you write, you would have to think what to write about. subsequently, you will use your ego to rationalize a balance act to the cause of anger. id <- ego -> super ego. back and forth. ke hulu ke hilir. tarik nafas hembus nafas. and then, hopefully, it will subsides.

but then, what if it happens again?

maybe someday, somehow, id will want something done, and nothing else is important.

aidilfitri has many meanings. it is subjective, i think, though aparently it honors the month of ramadan, marking the end of the month-long fast. fitri means to break and therefore symbolizes the breaking of the fasting period and of all evil habits (supposedly). thus, there’s the celebration. it is a day of forgiveness, moral victory and peace, of congregation, fellowship, brotherhood and unity.

sadly however, to some, the celebration is welcomed with vigourous spending of all that they have, even if it means poking and peeking into their life saving (if there’s any) to have what they can…and sometimes couldnt…maybe they didnt spend as much or as carelessly on other months, but still, is it necessary to shop till you drop dead after syawal to pay overdue amount and for parents struggling to ready for back-to-school combat?

oh well, all falls into deaf ears…."alaa, setahun sekali jek"….kan?

as for me, after 12 years or so of experiencing and observing relatives and close ones on the festive raya, i learnt that this celebration strengthens family bonding, just dont put a sour face throughout syawal. no matter how tired you are, how pissed, how confused. really, just dont, i know. a moody attitude could simply ruin everything from simple chores of cleaning up the house for raya to helping mom up on serving quite a number of guests. surely we dont want the guests to feel unwelcome with our coldness. go with the flow, enjoy it while it last. coz i always like being all busy in the kitchen, just not when i’m forced or nagged to, which is when i’m feeling malas la. heh.

and yep, going to bed early for an early start helps too. it makes you fresh and roaring to do anything, with a smile of course. i love syawal…yeah…